There are many misconceptions about divorce that should be dispelled. First, regardless of your own point of view, divorce is a fact of contemporary American society. 43% of first marriages will end in divorce. Although undergoing a divorce can be very painful for both parents and children, there are a great many ways this pain can be alleviated. One important function of divorce in our society and in Colorado is to act as a safety valve for marriages that simply no longer work for the families regardless of the reason–whether it be due to abuse or one parties’ growth in an entirely different direction, health reasons, incompatibility or other reasons. For many people it is preferable to endure the temporary pain of the divorce than the permanent pain of a bad marriage.
Unfortunately, there is a cultural lag in our societal conceptions about divorce. These misconceptions are harmful to anyone affected by divorce. Despite the reality, our societal view remains that the nuclear family and lifelong monogamous marriages are the only viable family model. Our society continues to cling to the erroneous belief that families can not exist outside of marriage.
The most common misconceptions (according to Ahrons, C.R. We’re Family. New York: Harper Collins 2004) are:
- Parents should stay married for the sake of the kids. – This message pervades our culture and is based on the assumption that marriage is good for children and divorce bad. This message also insinuates that parents who divorce are immature, selfish (and those who stay married are not). The truth is a bit more complex. Questions parents should ask themselves when considering divorce (and weighing what’s best for their children) are:
- Are you so depressed, hurt and angry in your marriage that you are unable to parent your children as effectively as you might?
Is the home atmosphere unhealthy for your children because you and your spouse have such a distant relationship?
Are you and or your spouse modeling a poor example for your children of respect, compassion and interest in one another?
What will be the financial consequences of divorce on your children?
These questions can just as easily apply if you have no children.“Adult children of divorce” are destined to have lifelong problems. – This label “adult children of divorce” is stigmatizing. In truth, the vast majority of children whose parents divorce grow up to lead responsible, happy, successful lives. Their ability to handle adult life, career, relationships, marriage and parenthood itself is determined more by their own temperament, relationship with their siblings, their parent’s relationship during marriage and after, than by the fact of divorce. - Divorce means you are no longer a family. – This inaccurate and misleading message that divorce ruins families harms not only the children but also the parents as it totally disregards the ways families can be successfully rearranged after divorce. The majority of divorces do not result in family breakdown. The form of a particular family will change, but it need not change the way children think and feel about the significant relationships within their families. And it may well relieve the stress of living in a household with little real communication and/or a high level of conflict between the parents.
- Divorce leaves children without a father. – This may be true for a minority of fathers, but it leaves out the majority who continue to have loving relationships with their children and continue to contribute financially to raising the children.
- Ex-spouses can not get along. – Actually, many divorced parents are cooperative and effective co-parents.
- Divorce turns everyone into ex-family, in-laws become estranged. – Although the kinship between divorced spouses and their in-laws is legally terminated, meaningful relationships often continue.
- Stepparents resent real parents. – Nearly 85% of children with divorced parents will have a stepparent at some point. The reality is step-parents can have close, nurturing relationships with their step-children and provide another caring adult in their lives.